Three years ago. Today.

Today is my favorite day of the year. It used to be on thanksgiving. I'm in love with cooler temps and how everyone is in a thankful mood. But three years ago on this very day, thankful couldn't begin to describe what went down in our bathroom. 

It was day eight of our third and final fertility cycle. I was a mess(inside) at thanksgiving and had spent the day at a friends family thanksgiving instead of my own family's because I couldn't handle all of the questions. 

We came home and I wanted the night to hurry up so in the am I could test. I was going to secretly test because I knew whit would be mad that I was rushing the process. I thought that this was a sign that he wanted to prolong the inevitable- that it would be negative, again. 

Normally you wait for the doctor blood test and then watch the levels go up to secure a positive but I was convinced that my friends has tested on day 8 and I couldn't wait any longer for my news either. I woke up at 4:30 with an extremely full bladder. In the dark I fumbled  around with the test trying not to wake whit. I ruined the test by peeing too much!!! Humored and defeated I slipped  back into bed. That was my last test of my pack of 100. Yep, us infertile girls buy in bulk. 

My eyes popped open at 7 am. Whit was already staring at me. I told him I tested. I told him I really wanted to test again and he quickly said " yes, I agree." I couldn't believe my ears. He jumped out of bed threw on some clothes and went and got me two new tests. We hurried into the bathroom and I patiently peed on the first stick. We waited the allotted time and there was only one line :( - not two that would signify a pregnancy. I was crushed. I knew that if that line didn't show up at all that day, it more than likely wouldn't appear on day nine or ten. I said, " I never get two lines whit, I never will." He said, "wait!!! There are two lines!!!" I called my aunt crying so hard she thought someone was hurt. I said, " we're pregnant, we're pregnant, we're pregnant"!

Can you even believe how faint that second one is? And there it is folks, my favorite day. Can you blame me? 

So ever since that day three years ago I have deemed the day after thanksgiving my favorite day. Today was filled with my favorite things: the shepherd triplets, an awesome scarf from lulu lemon, some yummy new perfume , went to see a movie(frozen, the trips first movie!) and got set up on the couch with a yummy dinner and Christmas vacation ( and pecan pie!)

It was perfect. I am thankful. I am blessed. Three years ago today changed our worlds forever and I'm pretty crazy about the day. It's more than a holiday for me. It's more than a celebration. It's my favorite day out of all of the days there ever were before. 

My Friend Charla

When I was planning my wedding I knew photography was high on my list. I started shopping for an amazing photographer six months out. I had heard of Holmes Photographic Art in Corsicana but when I called she was booked. Her packages were dreamy and her shots classic. I finally found someone out of Dallas but often visited Charla's website and dreamed about what she would have done for us. 

Fast forward a few years and I was working at Fuzzy Friends and we were working on our calendar project. We had a great relationship with a photographer but she was moving far away and we needed a new one. I laughed at the thought that we could partner with Charla. I knew she was "big time" and may not consider partnering with us on such a large donation on our part. We met her at On The Border and in that hour I met the sweetest, most down to earth woman I've ever known. She described her farm like life and eagerly said she was on board.

In the ten years since that lunch, Charla has been my friend, my counselor and the most amazing photographer to me and my family. We have shared lunches, dinners, margaritas, laughs and the joy of life. Charla is a solid friend, a loyal friend and completely beautiful. The artistic way she creates family moments in front of her lens is just the icing on top.

Charla photographed us long before kids. She would hike out to the tallest hill with 50lbs of gear just to get the best shot of me and whit with our dogs. She knows no limit when it comes to a good backdrop. 

When I couldn't get pregnant Charla listened to me cry and said , "beck, it will happen, and when it does, we are going to have the best shoot you've ever seen!" When I told Charla I was pregnant, you would have thought she was family. Well, she is. She photographed me pregnant and I can't think of a more special time.

 When my kids finally came and we landed in the NICU, Charla wanted to come photograph them even when they weighed 2lbs and looked like aliens- she still saw the beauty in them. When I made huge life changes Charla would send me texts of encouragement. You never have to worry where Charla stands with you. She loves deep.  

I've told everyone I know how amazing she is behind the lens and I hope she has grabbed some great customers here in Waco and beyond, because of us. Her work is timeless and leaves me breathless. When the kids came home Charla set up shop in my dining room. There I was with my pajamas on and Charla and crew are moving my dining room table and setting up lights and filters. They were peed on by triplets, waited out crying and lulled three babies to sleep. They were in no hurry.

She has captured their first birthday, their dedication pics in cream linen, their first Christmas, and on Wednesday she took their second Christmas shot. They were crazy but she came prepared. They warm up slow but when they do- watch out. 

Charla, words on this screen barely scratch the surface when I think about how much we love you. You make my kids giggle, you make my heart full and I can't think of a way to repay you for the joy you have put on paper for me. My memories not only include all of these beautiful pictures but also the beauty that was behind the lens. Thankful for you and the God that put us together. 

Dear Whit

This month is all about thankfulness for me. I've been thinking about the people, relationships, communities and lives in which I am thankful for and how they make a difference in my story.

Last Sunday when we went to church I found myself thinking that it's one of the few places that whit and I are alone. I know we were sitting in a congregation of hundreds, but for an hour and a half I felt like it was just me whit and our hearts. Praying, praising and simultaneously asking Jesus for guidance. Whit often holds my hand in church or puts his arm around me and it gives me this calm that I normally don't have. I'm so grateful for this man. A man that puts up with a lot.  I'm hard to live with. I am hard to be married to. I expect too much. I cry when things don't go as planned. I have a quick temper.  I love deep but often tap my foot or, well, errr, yell a lot. Yep, too much, I'm embarrased to even type that here. 

Whit has been this solid plan of action our entire marriage. He has stood up for me, told my family to back off of me when the baby struggle became too much, he has lied for me when I couldn't go to parties or face people after failed fertility rounds, he has looked me in the eyes and promised me it would work "this time" when he wasn't sure it would. 

Whit has been loyal, strong, loving and steadfast. Everything I wasn't really in search of, but in great need of....

So here goes.......

Dear Whit,

I never thank you. I never thank you without some quick demand that shortly follows. I never say wow, you have given yourself to us and never complain. I never say I love you without saying oh, and can you take out the trash?! I never see just the good, but I focus on what you haven't done yet. 

I never worry about the kids when you are in control(I may wonder if they eat or get a bath ;) but never worry about them. You rock the whole multiples thing. Most dad don't event care for their one baby, much less three infants/toddler.  I never worry that I'm not your world or that these kids aren't your heart. I always know. I know that while you may be quiet, you always have us in your plan. I know that in your walk with Jesus you ask him for the bigger plans for us. I know there isn't anything you wouldn't want to do for us. 

You love deeper that I've ever known and in these years of gripping our lives in our teeth and raising three, two year olds- you make it look easy and you stay cool. I admire you. 

I remember that night before we did our transfer when I knew we were out of money after that round and couldn't do ivf again. I sat in that old chair with the hunting dogs on it and you on the couch. I asked you if it was going to work and you said yes without any hesitation. I knew that wasn't something you could answer and I could see the hope and doubt in your eyes. It was painful but I loved that it was this situation worth lying for. My heart was in a million pieces. Not because you would lie but because you would lie for the sake of me. You knew where we were. You knew how I cried most nights in our bed, facing the wall so you wouldn't know, but you did. You had lost me in all of it, but you weren't willing to let me go.  You would get the mail before me and throw away baby shower invites to spare me the pain. You never told me I was crazy when I would stalk people online that were thinking about giving their baby up for adoption. You tried to make every holiday extra special to make me forget what we didn't have. You shielded me from it all. You were vocal when it came to speaking on my behalf and for that, I will be forever grateful. You protected me. You loved my crazy. You loved me when I pushed everyone else away. You wouldn't let me push you out. 

You are amazing. You are my friend and the most amazing father I could have ever asked for, for these littles. You juggle life well and I think I sweat the small stuff instead of focusing on the joy. November is the month that reminds me of this joy. 

Love you BIG. Thank you whit! 

Now, can you get the Christmas decor out of the attic? 

 Happy Monday friends. 

Sweet November

October felt like a blur. Wait. I think I say that a lot. But reality is- with three toddlers, all at the same age and activity level- we are moving at warp speed Mostly because my event was in the month but also because we just did a lot. Alissa and I had a silent bucket list that we wanted to tackle a few fall bucket list things. Mostly your typical fall stuff like good coffee from common grounds, a girls night(which is now officially planned for a p!nk concert in Dallas in November), pumpkin patch pics, a clever Halloween costume for the trips and a arboretum trip to Dallas with the kids to see that amazing pumpkin village.

We had a month full of work, adventure, JOY and growth. I hit my event goal on 10/21 and took that week to regroup with the kids. They missed me, I missed them and Whit...

Now I feel like the page on the calendar turns and we enter such a special season. I want to be mindful of the season and mindful of God. I have a lot of worry on my shoulders about some family decisions and also this season of our children seeing greed in this holiday season and teaching them the difference in what we are urged to do and what we should be doing. I want to teach them the act of selflessness and giving others gifts and how much more rewarding it is than receiving. I want Him to lead the way in these teachings. I also want to do better in finding everyday joy and knowing that He will carry me.

Work is good. Whits work is good. Our family is good and as we enter November I feel so thankful. Thankful for my family, my faith, my love for Jesus and my love for this season. Gratitude brings joy to my heart and it's even easier to be thankful when I think of that November three years ago when I got that faint pink line the day after Thanksgiving. November was always special to me- but feeling thankful was bursting out of my heart and burning my eyes that year. I was thankful to be pregnant, but little did I know, I would be thankful x 3. We know lots of pregnant family members and friends and I am so thankful they get to experience this season of joy while they carry their own sweet bundle. Such a special time.

Joy is my word for November. A word I am choosing to focus on. Not because I am not joyful, but because in life group we talked about how God commands us to be joyful. I think I am more "glass half empty", when I should be finding joy in every situation. When my kids are all crying and I am sweating and we are in Dallas, four hours past nap time- I need to take a breath and find joy in the fact that I have three crying kiddos and in two more hours I will have a camera full of memories to upload and three cribs to put them all in....

We decorated some Halloween cupcakes with magic icing. Well, I decorated, they ate.

I had to sneak in a pic of last Halloween-wow, round little faces, helmets (not pictured) little hair and no fits :) Now they have minds of their own, think they have to eat the candy (all right then), and look more like kids than babies.

brothers.

becker won the sweetest and best of the triplets award at the arboretum in Dallas. You might wonder why you don't see many pics of gg frolicking in the hay maze- thats because she chose to eat candy corn and sit in the stroller. #awesome

Riggs was happy to push her.

but sweet becks-he couldn't get enough of this place, to be honest- I couldn't either. So worth the trip folks. So worth it. I saw a group of friends enjoying a picnic with no kids and some wine...I wanted to dive into their blanket like a slip n'slide. Little jealousy.

Also in October was, open blind night. A night for these sweet kids to show their skills. GG sat frozen most of the class- but you could tell, she has really come around and does participate :) We can't wait for her recital. 

At their MDO class they worked on a little fall program. I of course forgot my zoom lens so this was the best I got. We have a few videos and they really did know the song! 

my girl gg has some mad dancing skills.

three blind mice.......

Happy November friends...choose joy. 

Things

So it's 11:18, the night before my event and I'm up. I'm up because I'm stressed, happy, excited and hopeful. I've prepped, I'm on edge. I've been in bed since 9:29 and I haven't been able to turn "it" off. Whit isn't having any problems. Tomorrow night at this time, I hope all the weight will be lifted. I hope that I'm happy with the numbers and pleased with a job well done. I hope we are able to lower the prematurity rate- with our event alone. It's a start right? More babies given a fighting chance.

So as I sit here and think about the event I began to look at the pottery barn kids magazine. The holiday one. You know, the one that makes every single kid look like the most surprised kid you've ever seen that just got a glimpse of Santa. It startles this joy in me about the season we are heading into. 

It makes me start doing that list thing I do. It makes me want a lot of-things. Not really for myself, but for my kids. Funny thing is, you and I both know- they don't know what "to want" means. They learn to want. I keep thinking about how cute the boys room would be all done up for Christmas and how multiples are even more fun when working up a theme. It's this whacked out moment that I feel coming on and I dog ear like 61 pages in the holiday catalog like I've GOT to go back and do this or BUY this. But I don't. That's it- it's just things. 

It happens to me in October and it doesn't stop until about December 23rd- when I'm sick of my own thoughts. I will again this year- do the three gifts for the kids. I think it's a way to not only teach them but to keep myself in the spirit of Christmas and not things. 

After all, they learn what we teach. For now I just have to stay out of zulilly and off the computer. I'm smocked dressed, hunter boot, northfaced jacket-ed out. (I talk a huge game).

I want to make a good effort of less holiday shopping and focus on joy rather than things. I think putting this out there holds me more accountable :/

Sleep tight everyone and pray for my event to be mission focused!

1 John 2:16 

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.

Grace

When I named Gianna it didn't stick like I felt that it should(I've blogged about that before) I thought I would instantly see her face and know that her name was the right one. Gianna wasn't a family name. It wasn't a name I had held onto for years. It wasn't even one I loved. It meant "gift from God", and that was exactly what she was. I drug up all the names I loved for years and I couldn't settle one any. Mema Pats mothers name was Grace and it stuck well. I kept thinking about all of the people who had given me grace when I was at my worst. I knew that they would all serve as a reminder, but I wanted to be reminded of His grace everytime I said her name. 

This week in church Vincent spoke to me. He talked about giving others Grace--- today. I think sometimes I choose the easy ones. Meaning the ones asking for it, not really searching my life index for the ones who don't want it or could careless if I extend it to them. I often give that grace to the ones saying they are sorry but not the ones who aren't saying they are sorry. I think as adults there isn't always that clear cut " we are in a fight because...." I think things get complicated and there is often confusion on why it all started. Because lives are busy we just move on and never really talk it out or extend any grace to one another. To be honest this isn't a resolved blog post. Not one that I have this great answer for or where I post this awesome solution but more a blog post about growth in grace and maybe one that just says we are all human and a simple card that says the situation we are in sucks, I don't have the answers for how we got here but I love you. 

I felt like Vincent was talking to me in that room and no one else was in any of the chairs. I felt confused on how to answer the call. I felt mildly frustrated about this call because I wanted to stomp my feet and say- but it's not my fault. But I think that's it- when I hurt so bad and longed for kids and was receiving a baby shower invite daily, people extended grace to me. I was mean. I was selfish. I was self centered. They loved me anyway. I was crazy and not myself and sure there were people I pushed so hard- they gave up. But there were people who gave me grace and we have talked about it since. 

And once again, this infertility thing is teaching me more. The plans he has/had for me has re-written my testimony. 

1 Peter 4:10 

 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.

Hope you guys are ready for this cool front. I went to the store and my basket looked like I was about to hibernate. I think I might after my event. Have an awesome week.