Last Sunday when we went to church I found myself thinking that it's one of the few places that whit and I are alone. I know we were sitting in a congregation of hundreds, but for an hour and a half I felt like it was just me whit and our hearts. Praying, praising and simultaneously asking Jesus for guidance. Whit often holds my hand in church or puts his arm around me and it gives me this calm that I normally don't have. I'm so grateful for this man. A man that puts up with a lot. I'm hard to live with. I am hard to be married to. I expect too much. I cry when things don't go as planned. I have a quick temper. I love deep but often tap my foot or, well, errr, yell a lot. Yep, too much, I'm embarrased to even type that here.
Whit has been this solid plan of action our entire marriage. He has stood up for me, told my family to back off of me when the baby struggle became too much, he has lied for me when I couldn't go to parties or face people after failed fertility rounds, he has looked me in the eyes and promised me it would work "this time" when he wasn't sure it would.
Whit has been loyal, strong, loving and steadfast. Everything I wasn't really in search of, but in great need of....
So here goes.......
Dear Whit,
I never thank you. I never thank you without some quick demand that shortly follows. I never say wow, you have given yourself to us and never complain. I never say I love you without saying oh, and can you take out the trash?! I never see just the good, but I focus on what you haven't done yet.
I never worry about the kids when you are in control(I may wonder if they eat or get a bath ;) but never worry about them. You rock the whole multiples thing. Most dad don't event care for their one baby, much less three infants/toddler. I never worry that I'm not your world or that these kids aren't your heart. I always know. I know that while you may be quiet, you always have us in your plan. I know that in your walk with Jesus you ask him for the bigger plans for us. I know there isn't anything you wouldn't want to do for us.
You love deeper that I've ever known and in these years of gripping our lives in our teeth and raising three, two year olds- you make it look easy and you stay cool. I admire you.
I remember that night before we did our transfer when I knew we were out of money after that round and couldn't do ivf again. I sat in that old chair with the hunting dogs on it and you on the couch. I asked you if it was going to work and you said yes without any hesitation. I knew that wasn't something you could answer and I could see the hope and doubt in your eyes. It was painful but I loved that it was this situation worth lying for. My heart was in a million pieces. Not because you would lie but because you would lie for the sake of me. You knew where we were. You knew how I cried most nights in our bed, facing the wall so you wouldn't know, but you did. You had lost me in all of it, but you weren't willing to let me go. You would get the mail before me and throw away baby shower invites to spare me the pain. You never told me I was crazy when I would stalk people online that were thinking about giving their baby up for adoption. You tried to make every holiday extra special to make me forget what we didn't have. You shielded me from it all. You were vocal when it came to speaking on my behalf and for that, I will be forever grateful. You protected me. You loved my crazy. You loved me when I pushed everyone else away. You wouldn't let me push you out.
You are amazing. You are my friend and the most amazing father I could have ever asked for, for these littles. You juggle life well and I think I sweat the small stuff instead of focusing on the joy. November is the month that reminds me of this joy.
Love you BIG. Thank you whit!
Now, can you get the Christmas decor out of the attic?
Happy Monday friends.
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