Monday, July 7, 2014

Red White Blue

I've noticed lately that Riggs is heavy. He feels solid and his body is changing from this squishy little toddler to a solid little boy. My friends are having their second and third children and I'm desperately trying to hold on to every stage that mine are racing through.  Sometimes the stages are hard and sometimes they are like a beach trip that you wished wouldn't end. Lately the things they say are hilarious and most days I go to bed trying to remember the funny things they string together that barely make sense. They make me laugh without making complete thoughts. Sometime after working all day I don't understand what they are saying but after a weekend with them it's like we speak the same language again. 

Long weekends make me want to run wild. Wild and adventurous is what I want them to remember about me. I want them to remember a level of spontaneity- which is a stretch for me. I want them to remember doing hard things that made us reach a little harder. Of course I like the easy planned weekends but the holiday weekends-that we stretched bed time for 10pm fireworks and drive to Austin for a jam packed Sunday- complete with swing music and a patio sipping a lemonade cocktail and them vanilla gelato- those are the ones I want them to tell their spouses about when they are 36. I got to see my friends love on my kids and I got to squeeze their littles too this weekend which made it perfect. 

I want their breath to be taken away in ten years when they step back into a fresh spring fed pool because they remember that day their mom and dad woke up and said "let's road trip today. "

This fourth was traditional and untraditional all in the same way. We enjoyed an eggs Benedict brunch with friends, a neighborhood parade with songs and great people and very special neighbors, pool time with fresh strawberry margaritas, BBQ and a neon stick filled golf course and a late night fire works show. It was their first. And while they may only be three years old- they could each recal what their favorite part of the day was as we tucked them in to their beds well after 11pm.

This weekend felt special and at the same time slow motion. I used to say that thanksgiving was my favorite holiday and then it became fourth of July in recent years and now I've just decided that since we got that little plus sign three plus years ago- it's the hope that comes with all holidays that gets me. I like the joy that holidays fill us up with. It's like the celebrations fill our cups with joy until the next holiday. I'm thirsty for joy. I hope my kids feel fulfilled.

The fourth was the holy grail when I was little. My dad would buy thousands of dollars of fireworks and we would take the barge out by noon and drive it in around midnight. It seems like centuries ago. Now, the safety neurotic self that I've become, I would fold under the sheer planning of an all day lake venture with the trips. How did my dad do it all with such grace and ease? He made it look so easy. 

So last year I started a brunch, everyone is invited, whoever is in town. It's our own tradition and it has developed into this kid filled, mimosa bar having, America the beautiful song singing morning of flag waving good. 

I love holidays in general. A reason to celebrate big. But there's just something special about anything red white and blue. 

Hope your holiday was perfect. Happy July! 

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Sweet Summer

 CATCH UP POSTS//because life is crazy I sometimes write and never post. Then new events happen, weeks fly by and then the posts are dated//Sorry// Catch up below//

Around 18 months I was emailing and calling all my triplet momma friends. My kids had become stage 5 clingers and no matter what setting we were in- they wanted me and they wanted to be held. There could have been 66 kids begging them to play with new shiny toys and 103 blinking light games and they would still be crying at my feet to be held. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I had done something wrong to literally enable them to play in groups or to play alone quietly. It was strange. But after talking to others, it sounded normal. One mom said, "you will miss the clingers." I thought no way, anything is better than this. That's about the time we made it a point to jump feet first into play groups and added a day of mother's day out to our routine.

So at the end of this month the clingers, will be three. The boys rarely ask to be held( Gigi will ask to be held when she is 10 I'm convinced) and always ask for your hand. We were walking into school the other day and alissa and I stared at one another noting that EVERYONE was walking and no one was even asking to be held. Miracle. Last night at bed Gianna crawled up into her bed and when she put out her hand I noticed that her wrist was still chubby like a baby. You know, that little fat part that makes a crease in their wrist? My heart has been heavy with this toddler stage as it moves farther from "toddling" and more into "kid". No more babies for us and no more wrist chubby. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I marvel over all the pregnant women in our lives and how they juggle a baby on the hip, a four year old running around and a two year old they are trying to wrangle..... I love that balance. And while ours is very very different, I love our balance. I love that while we may have everyone going in three different directions- we are all moving at the same speed. Everyday is new. Everyday is different. And while my twin mommas can "identify" with me- the third baby(kid) is definitely the one that throws this train off rail :) I bet my quad momma friends are laughing at my post.

I feel like summer brings on a lot of celebration at our house. First of all, my spring event is OVER, Easter has been celebrated in a big way, mother's day has been celebrated(my heart might have exploded), Father's day was big,  the summer beach vacation has been booked, swimming lessons are complete, Whit and I are planning a mini vacation for our 10th anniversary and we celebrated the most important birthday in our lives…the shep trips. May 27th, yep, it was a game changer. While my BFF will tell you that was NOT the delivery day I had in mind, it was their day nonetheless. It was a day filled with fear and joy and I am certain there will never be another day like it. Mostly fear. It was the day we became parents and the day our hearts officially started beating and living outside of our chests. Some may come close but none will match it, ever. The three amigos turned three.

I hope you too are coasting into summer. I hope you plan a trip with your kids, your husband or your girlfriends. I hope that if you found my blog because you have also struggled for babies or are struggling for babies, that this summer you continue on the path of hope and find JOY in the everyday of this season. I have some summer(maybe fall) plans for my blog. I would like to add some resource pages giving extra support and additional information on how we got from point a to point b in our baby journey. I have been drawn to helping others on this path and have found joy in pouring into their lives. I think its so funny how our lives are so "connect the dots". I am certain God gave me this infertility voice to speak His word over friends and friends of friends. He proves times and time again that He will not leave us and He will see his plan through. I also plan on adding a multiples resource page to help multiple mommas gain a grasp of what it looks like to momma more than one at the same stage. stay tuned…..

Happy Summer friends, it's here……..

Friday, May 9, 2014

Being a mommy is sticky

I remember when I would think about motherhood I would see perfectly smiling faces, clean hands, them cuddling with me almost every weekend and very little change in my already flexible schedule. That was a dream I had for over five years. When we found out we were having triplets a few things in that above description changed a little but not a lot. I envisioned whit and I embracing parenthood and the transition being easy. I saw us pushing a triplet stroller and it being so "neat".  

So fast forward to my third Mother's Day and I can tell you that all of that was very very different. Different because there were three beautiful babies born into our care. Three perfect souls that we were in charge of. Different because we had no idea that they would need so much. We had no clue how hard raising three would be. Different because some postpartum  washed over me and I didn't have time to recognize it. Different because we prayed for them day in and day out and then we had them and had no idea what God had entrusted us with. Or why.

We were in the NICU for my first Mother's Day. You couldn't have wiped the smile off of my face. They were in our grip but still not ours. They were sick and we prayed them well. It was touch and go and I closed everyone on the outside- out. I felt like no one I knew, knew the pain we were in- no way. We could be coming home with fewer babies than we went to the hospital with. I felt robbed of those last three months of being pregnant. I felt sad and happy at the same time and I couldn't recreate that emotion here if I tried.

Then they came home. The joy. Mema pat held my girl and it was that moment. That very moment that I dreamed about in the years before that moment. Sleep came in waves. Our house isn't big so as they grew older they woke each other up. The seasons felt like burst of successes. We would celebrate Christmas and it felt like slow motion. Valentines would come and it felt like they were almost a year. I felt like I was walking really fast in a room that was spinning. Then they turned a year and I couldn't believe we had made it. But we had. 

When people say " I don't know how you do it" I usually respond with my canned " oh we just do" but to be honest I don't know how we did either. I mean not in the sense that we wouldn't but more in the sense of, that was really hard and being a momma to three, all the same age is hard. Loading the car takes effort to just go somewhere simple. Simple trips out of town, aren't simple.  I don't really notice this except when I see other moms with one or more kids all different ages. Not saying that's any easier- just different. Momma-ing is hard. 

So, I have sticky faces and hands. We don't cuddle as often as i would like and most of the time one is always crying for something. I lose my temper, I cry because I'm exhausted, I cry because I've told them to stay in their beds 116 times in the last 4 days. It's hard and it's messy. But then I catch a few glimses of our weekend on my phone and I melt because I wanted this life. I wanted perfectly washed hands and faces but I never thought of the process. The one were we get them dirty so we can wash them clean. And all the memories we make in that time between the two.

Being a mom is and isn't what I thought it would be. It is the most unselfish act I have ever performed. I give them all of me and then I give them more. I would give them everything. I will give them everything. I love this spinning room. I feel challenged by His grace and challenged by His will for me to raise triplets. I used to joke that He really listened to our prayers but now I know He wanted this for me. He waited. He needed me to draw closer to Him and to be so far down before I could crawl to His feet and receive His gifts. I just asked for a baby. He made me a mother to three. I always think about this verse in a very literal way. I think about the miracle of my three daily. We were given 1% of conceiving- it was all His plans for me. 

 Psalm 139:13 You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb

I used to despise Mother's Day. I couldn't go to church. I couldn't go to lunch. I avoided target the entire weekend. It was painful. My mother died three years ago and this made it even more painful. What was I celebrating? 

 And nothing I can say here can soften that pain for any readers who aren't mothers today, who desire to be. But I can say, I was there and His plans for you, will be revealed. His plans for you are bigger than your own. His plans for you are far better than your own- even if you can't see them yet.

I couldn't see those plans and now my life is spinning with a joy I can't control. I'm good at this. Now there is a joy-He has given to me. A joy of being a momma to triplets. %1 chance. 100% joy, even on the sticky days. 

I hope this weekend you will focus more on His plans for you. Whatever that looks like. Maybe you are a mom and feeling good about where you are, maybe you aren't and your praying for a baby or maybe you are like me and need a daily refresher that you are on the right path and He would never give you anything more or less than His perfect plan. 

 Proverbs 31:25 
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
We can laugh. Life is sticky. It's spinning and sticky. If you would have told me this Mother's Day I would be celebrating three years of being a momma to triplets I would have laughed and cried. And tomorrow we celebrate their birthday with a fiesta. I can't wait for the sticky. 
Happy weekend friends. Ole!