The day before Christmas Eve I couldn't stand. My back had given me subtle reminders that it was tired and I pushed long past the "I am about to go out on you totally"... And worked, made dinners, bathed the trips, wrapped presents like a mad woman and did way too many "back breaking things." So when I knew I literally could not go on- bed was my only option.
I prayed for the ability to go to church because If the truth be told- it's my one really, really great moment. It's the peak of motherhood. Silent night, candles, my mema pat, my family, my sweet husband, my healthy triplets...what more could God give? I wanted to hold one of those babies and watch their eyes sparkle at the sight of the candle. I had to have it. So on Christmas eve I took it slow and that night I gritted my teeth in pain- but there we sat, on those old creaky pews at FBC. That, for me, is what Christmas is all about.
Our Christmas decor is all down and packed away and while we made so many memories that are forever stamped in my mind- church for me is the one really biggie. I love the sound their little giggles and feet made coming down the hall on Christmas morning but even more- the sound of them breathing in my ear as we sang silent night. Riggs carried mema Pat's door cluster of jingle bells from room to room with pure joy on his face. They aren't at the age yet to be greedy or want for things. I want to be intentional about staying on this path. I want them to love the spirit and renewal of Christmas, not the greed and the rush that creep in on all of us.
This morning in church I thought about where we have "been" in our lives the last few Christmases. Last year, the word relief comes to mind. Relieved that our babies were home and healthy. The year before, worried and humble comes to mind. I was just about 6 weeks pregnant. We knew it was triplets and were worried but humbled that he had chosen us to carry His precious three children. And the year before, angry and confused would be the words. Angry that another cycle had failed. Confused over His plan for us.
This year I feel renewed. I feel refreshed. I know His plan, or at least I am open to His ever lasting plans and love for us. I always knew He loved us- just felt overwhelmed and never allowed the plans to wash over me. I don't think I have always been open to the plan and I have always walked against the waves and not with the current. This year I have glided closer to Him and I feel whole.
This year we dedicated our three to a life of knowing Jesus. We have submerged them into growing, loving and knowing God. It's been a beautiful year. It's been a gift of 12 months of complete joy. As I type those words, there is and will always be a part of me that remembers the years joy was a hard word to mutter. I also remember sitting in those old creaky pews with a pain and a sense of jealousy. Not being a mom robbed my spirit, robbed my renewal. Hope was lost.
As we jump into 2013 I hope that just one person who is not yet a mom is reading this blog and believing in Gods work. It's right here... He has this wild and beautiful plan for you. Hope. If you do one thing in 2013, I ask you to ride the waves and allow your hope to be restored. Refreshed.
Happy New Year.
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