I was in the laundry room tonight and was putting the dog bed cover I had just washed back on the dogs bed when I looked up at the chalk board to see an old picture strip of me and whit on New Years Eve 2008.
The first thought was of the iridescent dress I was wearing. I loved that dress. After that night though- I hated it. I was in the main ball room at Barkin Ball(the charity event I ran) when a guest asked me how far along I was as he grazed my stomach. I was mortified. 1. Because he thought I looked pregnant and I wasn't
2. Because it cut me to the quick because I wanted to be pregnant.
We had been trying already for years with no success. I hated that dress and wanted to disappear into a black corner.
When I stared at the strip of pictures I couldn't help but to look at our faces and how sweet we looked at one another. I remember making him promise me (as if he could) that the next "fertility try" would be "the one".
I think at that point he would have promised me anything because my desperate pleas were just that- desperate. By then we had heard the whole "everything happens for a reason" at least 100 times but at this particular stage I was so jaded with doubt that I rarely listened to anyone anymore. They could tell me long stories about how their sister had multiple rounds of unsuccessful ivfs With no success and one day she went sky diving and the next month she was pregnant. What? Really? Did they think I was that desperate? Apparently so.
When I stared at the picture some more I saw the desperation on whit's face too. One that I never saw when I was in the eye of the storm. Unfortunately, I was guilty of thinking I was the only one hurting. I hate that I missed that.
But what rang the loudest to me when I stared at the picture strip was this: situations change. No, this isn't where I say look at me, we wanted a baby and now we have three... It's where I say, whatever your circumstance, no matter how badly you are hurting or how desperately you want change, it will come. Maybe not how you saw it, but how God sees it.
I've talked about unanswered prayers before. I prayed when I was a kid for things to go or be a certain way. When the kids were all in the nicu I even prayed for very specific wants. I think he hears our prayers big and small but sees the big picture when we can only focus on the picture we are holding.
I don't remember how I choked back the tears when that guy asked me how far along I was, but I do remember whit promising me that one day we would have a baby. I don't think he knew how or when, I just think he knew that we would either succeed or adopt..
Either way our situation would change and either way, I would look back on that snapshot and see how much our lives had changed.
