What if • day 15

What if we never saw mirror images of ourselves? What if God put so many on this earth and that was it? What if we were robbed of the joy of kids?

We were robbed for 5 long years. we decided to do something about it. We were full of hope. Full of what we thought would be a one time deal and BoOM prego! But this was not the case.

We were referred to "an awesome, award winning, best in his field" ....jerk.
We drove 90 miles back and forth and cleaned out our savings in hopes of a baby. Some weeks we would have to be 90 miles away by 7 for blood draws, then appointment then drive back for work and do the same the next day. Each week was harder, more draining, more promising, more... Empty. Our hearts were full and not of love. Full of the darkest, greedy kind of pain you could ever imagine.

I became dark. Whit became this cheerleader who forgot her chants. He couldn't convince me anymore that it would happen. We had undergone surgery and were waiting on the what if. Time was running out and all sticks said no.

Doctor jerk suggested we do an IUI, told me I was a perfect candidate and it would only take once. I was convinced it wouldn't and asked about ivf. He blew me off. I know now, that was his game.. Why sell you the big gun right at first when we would keep buying on hope alone? So we did the IUI. As the eggs grew I felt really uncomfortable and thought I might ovulate. On the Friday before the cycle failed, we went for an appt. The eggs still were not ready but so close. I looked at whit and told him, " when I do tonight's injection, I'll ovulate :( " The doctor disagreed.

I'm certain I ovulated around 11pm that night. The next day we went for our scheduled appointment and sure enough. I ovulated and the cycle was over. All the injections, all the hope, all the money, all the calls to cheer us on.....Gone. The poor doctor that was on call had the joy of sharing the news. She didn't even have to, I could read the sonograms by this point. I was devastated. We had to drive home and spend the day with our friends. We had planned at day at the pool to celebrate our cycle almost being complete. It was complete alright....Completely wasted. My friends and family were broken for us. Whit couldn't muster a cheer. I couldn't look him in the eyes. Failure was written all over my face.

To make matters worse Dr. Jerk didn't call us until I brewed over it for four days and blasted his nurse with an email. He called it a snafu. Really? He barely apologized but told me that if I didn't have confidence in him he didn't need me as a patient. He made me want his "expertise" even more!! What?!

We made plans to sit out one month and return for another IUI this time with a drug that kept me from ovulating. Why didn't I take this before??? We did another one and no dice. We decided to go for a third. At the next appt we discovered I had cysts and could not continue the meds but would have to sit out another cycle and could do it then. I emailed my nurse some questions when we left. Instead of forwarding her questions from my email to a fellow nurse she sent to me and said what a pain I was and how I had just left and how I could have asked him these questions while I was there. Really??? I had been with their office for two years. I had become close to her. I had practically paid her salary!!!!!!!!!! This rocked me. I emailed her back and told her I was sorry to bother her. She poured out an apology email and a call. I was so lost on the fertility band wagon that I was spinning.

I met a couple we knew for dinner about two weeks later. They mentioned their doctor and how successful they were - they had twins on try three. She said the appt is like $60 what do you have to lose?

What if we didn't put ourselves out there?? What of we didn't go with our gut?