Things

So it's 11:18, the night before my event and I'm up. I'm up because I'm stressed, happy, excited and hopeful. I've prepped, I'm on edge. I've been in bed since 9:29 and I haven't been able to turn "it" off. Whit isn't having any problems. Tomorrow night at this time, I hope all the weight will be lifted. I hope that I'm happy with the numbers and pleased with a job well done. I hope we are able to lower the prematurity rate- with our event alone. It's a start right? More babies given a fighting chance.

So as I sit here and think about the event I began to look at the pottery barn kids magazine. The holiday one. You know, the one that makes every single kid look like the most surprised kid you've ever seen that just got a glimpse of Santa. It startles this joy in me about the season we are heading into. 

It makes me start doing that list thing I do. It makes me want a lot of-things. Not really for myself, but for my kids. Funny thing is, you and I both know- they don't know what "to want" means. They learn to want. I keep thinking about how cute the boys room would be all done up for Christmas and how multiples are even more fun when working up a theme. It's this whacked out moment that I feel coming on and I dog ear like 61 pages in the holiday catalog like I've GOT to go back and do this or BUY this. But I don't. That's it- it's just things. 

It happens to me in October and it doesn't stop until about December 23rd- when I'm sick of my own thoughts. I will again this year- do the three gifts for the kids. I think it's a way to not only teach them but to keep myself in the spirit of Christmas and not things. 

After all, they learn what we teach. For now I just have to stay out of zulilly and off the computer. I'm smocked dressed, hunter boot, northfaced jacket-ed out. (I talk a huge game).

I want to make a good effort of less holiday shopping and focus on joy rather than things. I think putting this out there holds me more accountable :/

Sleep tight everyone and pray for my event to be mission focused!

1 John 2:16 

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.

Grace

When I named Gianna it didn't stick like I felt that it should(I've blogged about that before) I thought I would instantly see her face and know that her name was the right one. Gianna wasn't a family name. It wasn't a name I had held onto for years. It wasn't even one I loved. It meant "gift from God", and that was exactly what she was. I drug up all the names I loved for years and I couldn't settle one any. Mema Pats mothers name was Grace and it stuck well. I kept thinking about all of the people who had given me grace when I was at my worst. I knew that they would all serve as a reminder, but I wanted to be reminded of His grace everytime I said her name. 

This week in church Vincent spoke to me. He talked about giving others Grace--- today. I think sometimes I choose the easy ones. Meaning the ones asking for it, not really searching my life index for the ones who don't want it or could careless if I extend it to them. I often give that grace to the ones saying they are sorry but not the ones who aren't saying they are sorry. I think as adults there isn't always that clear cut " we are in a fight because...." I think things get complicated and there is often confusion on why it all started. Because lives are busy we just move on and never really talk it out or extend any grace to one another. To be honest this isn't a resolved blog post. Not one that I have this great answer for or where I post this awesome solution but more a blog post about growth in grace and maybe one that just says we are all human and a simple card that says the situation we are in sucks, I don't have the answers for how we got here but I love you. 

I felt like Vincent was talking to me in that room and no one else was in any of the chairs. I felt confused on how to answer the call. I felt mildly frustrated about this call because I wanted to stomp my feet and say- but it's not my fault. But I think that's it- when I hurt so bad and longed for kids and was receiving a baby shower invite daily, people extended grace to me. I was mean. I was selfish. I was self centered. They loved me anyway. I was crazy and not myself and sure there were people I pushed so hard- they gave up. But there were people who gave me grace and we have talked about it since. 

And once again, this infertility thing is teaching me more. The plans he has/had for me has re-written my testimony. 

1 Peter 4:10 

 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.

Hope you guys are ready for this cool front. I went to the store and my basket looked like I was about to hibernate. I think I might after my event. Have an awesome week. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

Earlier this week we (alissa always goes with me to take gg to dance) were sitting in the waiting area with the other parents while gg took her dance class. I'm usually catching up with emails and returning ones I hadn't answered yet and alissa is usually emailing customers back from printing orders. We occasionally laugh about what the other parents are talking about or whatever we glanced at on Instagram and saw. But during this class we peeked into the blinds a bit to see gg making some friends. One of the other moms and I exchanged a few funny sentiments about how her daughter was playing with gg and we both mentioned how little gg was in comparison to the other older girls. Gianna is roughly 2 years younger than a lot of them and is the baby of the class. In defense of her small size I mentioned that she was born 11 weeks early and was in the NICU for quite sometime{yes I still do this song and dance}.

When we left alissa asked me why I didn't tell them that gg was a triplet- and that's why she was small/born early? To tell the truth I didn't even think about it. I forget most of the time unless we are in public and someone asks if the boys are twins. Sometimes I answer yes just to avoid the pummeling of questions. Sometimes they think she is the older or younger sister and sometimes they think she belongs to whomever is with us. It's funny to me. First, that they don't know that they weighed just over two pounds, second that they don't know that I begged God everyday for those kids and third that less than 12 months ago- these kids couldn't even walk. Yep, they were close to 19 months before everyone was up and moving- 13 months before they could sit unassisted. No one truly knows how hard these kids have worked to beat the odds. 

(2012)

(2012)

Sometimes I like that they aren't one lump sum and sometimes I don't think I give the phenomenon enough credit. Yep, they are triplets. Uh huh, miracles no less. Yes we put in three eggs, no we didn't plan for triplets. Truth be told, if I would have written our story the night before we did the transfer it would have gone something like this:

Dear God,

Please give whit and I a baby. One baby. One little girl... No no a boy.. No, just a healthy happy baby. God if this isn't in your plan- don't- no I don't wanna say that- I don't want to give you any doubt that we want this baby. I promise to love it like none other. I promise to give this baby's life to you. I will make you so proud Lord. 

{if I'm still writing the story ---the next day: we would transfer two grade a embryos, we would go home and on day 10 blood would show I was indead pregnant and an ultrasound would reveal a baby at last}

My real story sounds a lot scarier, a lot crazier bu reveals the true power of the Holy Spirit. He made his point right? He showed me who was in charge. He removed my hands from my hips. This still makes me smile. I think mostly because as most of you know- I wanted three children- it was my magic number when whit and I had the whole "do you want kids talk" I think like most people I never dreamed of having fertility issues and we don't have multiples in our families so a healthy baby was always my wish and three was my overal "plan". God is funny. 

When I think beyond today and how my story will play out I think what a testiment to faith. Sounds simple, even as I type it- but I'm still floored by the miracle of triplets. And how we were chosen. And how they are thriving and healthy and beat that medical miracle. I see and hear of babies being born to soon every single day. The fight is real and the struggle isn't always won. We won and I'm beyond thankful for the triumphs we've made just in one year- much less- two and a half years. 

It's that time of year again where I get all fuzzy inside. I promise not to type too many "how lucky am I" posts but I can't help but feel like I have this bowl of water and I'm filling it and it just keeps pouring over the sides. It's pure bliss.

I've been talking to a friend who is struggling to get pregnant and I admire her charge on, outlook. I didn't have that in me come year four. To be honest i had given up on having three children and given up on myself. I wasn't giving up on God but I was frustrated with Him. At one point I told whit he could go if he couldn't deal with me and the low I had fallen into. He laughed at me and told me " no way." Honestly, I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. But wow, our story would be so different if he had??

We took our pumpkin patch pics on Sunday. Everyone was all over the place. GG has had an attitude that we've been working on and Becker, oh he cried most of the time we were there. Riggs, he was just concerned about holding a lot of pumpkins. 

What a difference a year makes. I wonder what this story will look like in ten years, in twenty or what these three will think of this story God has created for them. I think they will be as equally thankful as I am. 

Squeeze in a pumpkin patch visit. Get some coffee, be thankful- it's October!

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen. 2 Peter 3:18

Loving in the middle

We joined a new life group a month or so ago. Life group is a group of people that are relatively in the same life stage {or close} that share their paths to God with one another. They share life, love and family. Community.

It's something we've wanted to get involved in since we moved to Antioch almost three years ago. Because you take your kids and because they are a prt of the group- this proved to be impossible until this year. The whole multiples thing and there only being two of us wouldn't have allowed us to have a conversation with anyone much less arrive at 5:30 since the kids were napping until 5 up until about 3 months ago. 

The last month and a half has proved several things to me.

1. We are thirsty. Thirsty Christians who seek God more often than Sunday morning.

2. That we have been doing an awesome job at showing our children who Jesus is- and there is so much more work to be done.

3. I didn't know my own husbands testimony and for that, I am ashamed.

4. There are other people out there that clean up dog crap and 7 am and curse as they do it.

5. I love these families and I am so thankful they asked us to be in their group.

So on Wednesday it's our turn to tell our testimonies. This is the beginning stages of the group and each week a couple shares their journey. Because Whit is a loose cannon- ha, I asked him to tell me his story. He laughed and asked if I didn't trust him. I said no. We laughed and we both cried as he told me his journey. I cried mostly because I had never heard it but partly because I saw this man that was intentional in the next steps of his story. I could hear a "but wait- there's more", in his voice. He wants more and has wanted more since he met me. He told me ways that my family led him to God more and more and how he admired others and their love for Jesus. I loved this. I can't wait to hear him share. 

We talked about the power of prayer and it made me think of yesterday's sermon. Jimmy talked about loving God in the middle- meaning not at the end when you made it but in the struggle. Of course I thought about our struggle and how I prayed for it to go my way rather that his, a lot of the time. And while I never got mad that it didn't go my way- I struggled with feeling grateful, when it didn't. I also struggled to believe it would happen, when time after time, it didn't. He wanted me to wait on him and I sat there tapping my foot. I feel like I'm loving Him in the end when I should have been loving Him in the middle. 

I read this article tonight about talking to your kids about God always being with them. In their room, in the car, at school, at dance, even at their friends house. Not making him this figure up in the sky, but a companion that never leaves their side. I need to do a better job of envisioning the same God in my front seat. Always my companion. I lose track of this and need a reminder.  

As the leaves fall and the nights and mornings shift to a cooler start and end I feel so refreshed. I feel like we are opening a really good book with our new life group and a fresh start to a new season of great community. I feel so blessed to share my kids with people who are equally intentional in their parenting. And while none of us claim to be perfect examples- we are working hard at being intentional in our parenting, our marriages and our own walks with Christ. 

I'm going to do a better job of loving in the middle. That goes for people too. I think I love them in the beginning and in the end when things work out but not so much in the middle when things get rocky. Loving in the middle...I think we all could do a little of that- a lot better.