Two years of being home

I can't believe it. I can't believe how one moment you think you might lose these precious lives and the next they are two and fighting over toys and fighting over your attention and fighting for their space at the table- literally. I really do remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the percentage I was given that we would actually take all three home. I remember the look on everyone's face as I was wheeled back. I remember the whispers on the day they were discharged and we were sent home to make the transition with gg and then one week later with the boys.

I remember the fear in my heart. I remember the way I wanted to bathe them all and dress them and display them for all to see. Ha. I remember wanting everyone to come over and at the same time- everyone to get out so we could do this. I remember being terrified to be in the house alone with them. Scared to be in the house alone with your own kids?? Yes. When they were in my belly- they were safe. I was in control. When I gave birth to them- that safety was gone. I wasn't in control and there was no changing that. 

So in true shepherd triplet fashion- we celebrated big. We celebrated two years of all being under the same roof. We celebrated every needle, every tube, every victory and every healthcare professional that made our story, a success. We loved on everyone who contributed to our ending at the NICU. It was bliss. Even when I hugged them and told them how grateful I was- they still had no idea how grateful I really was. They have no idea how many times I've asked myself, "What if that statistic rang true?" What if NEC got one of my babies? What if they hadn't caught it so early? What if surfactant wasn't around? What if??? 

So when we said our goodbyes, my heart was out of my chest. It took all I had not to stop in that parking lot and get on my knees in tears. I'm beyond words grateful for these three and the two years I've been given. Beyond. Grateful.

I needed them. God gave them to me.