Heart in my teeth

When the babies lived in the NICU I remember feeling so dark. I remember the day they told me, "Riggs may have NEC". I remember the afternoon I was home baking a delicious batch of double fudge brownies for my nurses, only to arrive, hot plate of gooey brownies in hand, to a white-as-a-sheet husband and team full of doctors and nurses working on my Becker. I also remember the cell phone ringing at 2am and the heart in my teeth, gut wrenching stomach pain I had when they said, "it's Gianna, she is very sick". I had been at the hospital with them just hours before each of these occurrences. How could they be this sick, this fast? Lighting struck without the thunder in the NICU.

Waco is small and when someone else has triplets, someone calls you and tells you, like you share a common thread ;) I guess we do, seeing that ivf is pretty common and triplets don't really run in families very often. About three months ago someone called me and told me of a mutual acquaintance that was having triplet boys. I smiled and was quickly reminded of the sleep training method we did when the babies came home. I thought about how for some reason whit thought that because the babies were in their tacos in the living room- that they must want to listen to CMT all night. I slept maybe two hours a night during that time. I was overjoyed for this family but also skipped a breath when I thought of their un-avoidable NICU stay.

When they were born I think she was about 25 weeks. We received the news that all was well and that no one was on a vent!!! God was watching over them and giving them strength and all seemed to be as good as can be expected for preemies of that gestation. Then in what felt like a matter of days two of these precious babies went to be with the Lord.

What?! This is not it. This is not the end of their story! This cannot be. Yea, full panic. I'm sick. I'm saddened and all I want to do is call them and scream into the phone how completely sorry I am. How life isn't fair and how I know they have three of everything waiting for them at home. How I can see their nursery and how if anyone touches those two cribs, someone will get hurt. I want to Facebook them and tell them to keep fighting. But do they really want to hear from triplet mom who has three healthy babies at home? No. So I just prayed. I prayed for understanding and hope.

And once again, there I sat, with my heart in my teeth wanting so badly to reach out to them and pray to God to give them more signs like that beautiful rainbow they saw, to show them He is rocking their babies. Life is hard and this whole baby business is the hardest. I seriously have no words. When your pregnant with three- or any number for that matter, that's how many are supposed to come home.

God lift them up.

We took gg to the ear nose and throat doc last week. Turns out our sweet, shy, book type isn't that at all- she has so much fluid behind her ears she needs tubes- she can't hear! So once again we will head into an operating room. I don't think I will ever sleep again. She was put on antibiotics and in three days she is loud, dancing and acting like someone else's girl.

Kids. Yep, my heart might stay in my mouth. Forever.