What if • day 18

I remember the conversations that whit and I had during that month after the last failed cycle. There was no doubt that both of us wanted to do another cycle but so many 'what ifs' filled our every days. There were the talks about money, talks about when would be best(ha, like we had choices) and the talks about what if it failed? We had faced so much rejection. Neither of us were sure about our next steps.

Girls I was close to were all getting pregnant. Girls I spent a lot of time with... All having baby showers and talking babies. At first I stopped attending those and then everything all together. I have a terrible back so using it more as a crutch, was easy. There were friends that were also going through infertility that were also getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, every pregnancy brought a tremendous amount of joy to me- but it also brought a guilty sense of empty.

We went to Dr. Saleh in October of 2010. Keep in mind I had been with my Austin doc for over 3 years. His office is located in an older hospital. No spa like feel, no thirty something nurses on hand or five doctors buzzing around. There was no granola in large jars or mounds of fruit for the taking. This place was basic. I didn't question any of it. I was told he was good and that's why we were there. We wanted a baby and financially this might have been our last shot. He told us why we would never get pregnant with an IUI and how our time, money and hopes had been wasted. We were crushed, taken back but at the same time thrilled that he said he could make this happen. He wasn't overly cocky or sure of himself like we were used to- he was genuine, hopeful and glad we were giving him the opportunity to be our doctor.

He introduced us to Heather, his nurse. I started crying with failure in my head. I spilled out about a dozen questions and she calmly said "he's really good- you have a great shot here." I looked at the walls and walls of pictures of singletons, twins and triplets. I asked if she had kids. She told me her story- it gave me even more hope. I was on a mission but was so beat down that I couldn't be one emotion without thinking of the opposite.

We were going to do IVF. This was scary to me because this was the big guns. This was the last straw. If this failed there was nothing "bigger" that we could do. I told God to give me a sign that we were supposed to quit. I told him that if we didn't get a baby, I would be okay- that it was his will. I told whit that I would be okay. Could they tell I was lying?

I keep thinking that if I had not gone to Austin in the first place I might not have ended up with Saleh. In the beginning it was all about the spa like office and how everyone talked about this Austin doc. Then it came down to the end result and how long you can be strung along before saying enough.

What if we judged a book by its cover?