Love and Loss

Early this morning I was reading a friends blog. Her dog is really sick and it reminded me of when we lost our Colby. He was our ill-behaved Chocolate Labrador that didn't know the meaning of the word no. He bounced around the room even after his 5th birthday(at two folks promised he would calm down). He failed a week long boot camp in Mckinney, Texas.  He was a maniac. He jumped on everyone, tore up every toy and bed he saw..but at the end of the day, he was our maniac. I remembered one year Whit and I had broken up and I was sad. That dog didn't leave my side. He was calm and knew I was upset. Colby developed an adrenal tumor at the age of six. We were devastated. He couldn't walk, refused to eat and became very aggressive...not the happy dog that had bounced into our lives early in our relationship. It was hard but when the day came to put him to sleep, the loss was unmeasurable.

As some of you may or may not know we don't have a very good relationship with Whit's parents. This came after our five year struggle with fertility came with no help or support from them, even when we asked. I am now over six months pregnant and we haven't had a meal much less a conversation with them in almost two years. So, yesterday I was eating lunch with a friend when his mom walked into a restaurant with two friends. She did not see me, as my back was to her. She proceeded to tell them what an awful, spoiled person I was and giggled at the thought of us juggling three children. She spoke horribly about my family, made hurtful comments about me and was this person that I hoped she wasn't. My friend sat across from me listening to every word in total disbelief. I started to cry. She asked if I wanted to go and I said no, let's finish, pay and  leave. Unfortunately we would have to walk right by their table in order to exit- there was no way around it. So, after we paid we walked towards the door, I looked at her as we exited and simply said I hope you all had a nice lunch. She was frozen. Literally speechless.

Work has been really difficult lately. Emotionally more than the actual work load. After seven years in one place that you dedicate yourself to you expect a lot...maybe I am expecting too much......I guess at the very least I expected loyalty.  I emailed back and forth with a friend who is newly pregnant and she told me she lost the baby....this crushed me to think that just a few weeks ago I met with her and she was so excited...so thrilled to finally turn the fertility wagon around. So, you may be wondering what my friends ill dog, my frustration with work, my hurtful encounter with Whit's mother and my friends loss of a baby all have in common.....

I think it's my way of saying, yes, it's all in his plan...not ours. We have these great expectations of the way things should go and the way we should feel about them...when all of that really doesn't matter. We have to trust that God knows the plan and he knows what is best for us. I am saying a prayer for everyone in a limbo of frustration and hoping they also receive understanding of where they are and why they are there. God must think I stay confused because I am constantly asking him to make sense of what I don't understand. Ouch, let's hope for a better rest of the week.....