He is jealous for me.

When we struggled to get pregnant I clung to the David crowder song, how he loves. I think I've talked about it here before but like the scars on my heart,  the song is sort of tattood on my mind. The lyrics say "he is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane I am the tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.  I feel like our painful struggle was painful for Him. Like when Riggs continues to disobey me and I have to set into motion a dicipline plan. I don't enjoy it, I actually give like 400 warnings before I actually do it because his pain is painful for me. I think our God is in pain watching us struggle but knows our ultimate plans and knows He has us all in His grip. I used to soak in the "He is jealous for me " part, but never took the song further until after the trips came. The song goes on to say " and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about --oh how He loves us..oh"

I'm certain that was His message to me when He gave us these babies. It was clear and it was written for me in that moment. It feels strange to be jealous. It feels wrong and awkward but I think Jesus knows our hearts and takes that pain and need right from our hands and says, " I am what you need"

Mema pat turned 85 last week. She has faced a tough year of bladder cancer, bladder removal surgery and a life of adjustments. She has thrived. Selfishly , I struggle with all the changes but when I looked at a photo album of the kids just home from the hospital- she was in a lot of the pictures. His timing is perfect all the time. She has been strong and has been able to participate fully in their lives and to see her so present gives me hope in her strength. She is rock solid and 85. 

Summer came and went with a bang. Our beach trip was awesome and well documented. It was the first trip I've been on in my whole life that I wanted to stay longer rather than come home. Next year we are talking two weeks. 

So back to school, routines and extra curriculars. Back to planned meals, tight schedules and structure in the day to day. I'm looking forward to the cooler temps, backyard meals and uggs. Our new routines are finally feeling good and solid. New schedules are falling into place and it feels like business as usual. 

Tomorrow we have our third soccer game and plan to hit up the cultural arts festival after. Happy Saturday friends!

Red White Blue

I've noticed lately that Riggs is heavy. He feels solid and his body is changing from this squishy little toddler to a solid little boy. My friends are having their second and third children and I'm desperately trying to hold on to every stage that mine are racing through.  Sometimes the stages are hard and sometimes they are like a beach trip that you wished wouldn't end. Lately the things they say are hilarious and most days I go to bed trying to remember the funny things they string together that barely make sense. They make me laugh without making complete thoughts. Sometime after working all day I don't understand what they are saying but after a weekend with them it's like we speak the same language again. 

Long weekends make me want to run wild. Wild and adventurous is what I want them to remember about me. I want them to remember a level of spontaneity- which is a stretch for me. I want them to remember doing hard things that made us reach a little harder. Of course I like the easy planned weekends but the holiday weekends-that we stretched bed time for 10pm fireworks and drive to Austin for a jam packed Sunday- complete with swing music and a patio sipping a lemonade cocktail and them vanilla gelato- those are the ones I want them to tell their spouses about when they are 36. I got to see my friends love on my kids and I got to squeeze their littles too this weekend which made it perfect. 

I want their breath to be taken away in ten years when they step back into a fresh spring fed pool because they remember that day their mom and dad woke up and said "let's road trip today. "

This fourth was traditional and untraditional all in the same way. We enjoyed an eggs Benedict brunch with friends, a neighborhood parade with songs and great people and very special neighbors, pool time with fresh strawberry margaritas, BBQ and a neon stick filled golf course and a late night fire works show. It was their first. And while they may only be three years old- they could each recal what their favorite part of the day was as we tucked them in to their beds well after 11pm.

This weekend felt special and at the same time slow motion. I used to say that thanksgiving was my favorite holiday and then it became fourth of July in recent years and now I've just decided that since we got that little plus sign three plus years ago- it's the hope that comes with all holidays that gets me. I like the joy that holidays fill us up with. It's like the celebrations fill our cups with joy until the next holiday. I'm thirsty for joy. I hope my kids feel fulfilled.

The fourth was the holy grail when I was little. My dad would buy thousands of dollars of fireworks and we would take the barge out by noon and drive it in around midnight. It seems like centuries ago. Now, the safety neurotic self that I've become, I would fold under the sheer planning of an all day lake venture with the trips. How did my dad do it all with such grace and ease? He made it look so easy. 

So last year I started a brunch, everyone is invited, whoever is in town. It's our own tradition and it has developed into this kid filled, mimosa bar having, America the beautiful song singing morning of flag waving good. 

I love holidays in general. A reason to celebrate big. But there's just something special about anything red white and blue. 

Hope your holiday was perfect. Happy July!