Love and Loss

Early this morning I was reading a friends blog. Her dog is really sick and it reminded me of when we lost our Colby. He was our ill-behaved Chocolate Labrador that didn't know the meaning of the word no. He bounced around the room even after his 5th birthday(at two folks promised he would calm down). He failed a week long boot camp in Mckinney, Texas.  He was a maniac. He jumped on everyone, tore up every toy and bed he saw..but at the end of the day, he was our maniac. I remembered one year Whit and I had broken up and I was sad. That dog didn't leave my side. He was calm and knew I was upset. Colby developed an adrenal tumor at the age of six. We were devastated. He couldn't walk, refused to eat and became very aggressive...not the happy dog that had bounced into our lives early in our relationship. It was hard but when the day came to put him to sleep, the loss was unmeasurable.

As some of you may or may not know we don't have a very good relationship with Whit's parents. This came after our five year struggle with fertility came with no help or support from them, even when we asked. I am now over six months pregnant and we haven't had a meal much less a conversation with them in almost two years. So, yesterday I was eating lunch with a friend when his mom walked into a restaurant with two friends. She did not see me, as my back was to her. She proceeded to tell them what an awful, spoiled person I was and giggled at the thought of us juggling three children. She spoke horribly about my family, made hurtful comments about me and was this person that I hoped she wasn't. My friend sat across from me listening to every word in total disbelief. I started to cry. She asked if I wanted to go and I said no, let's finish, pay and  leave. Unfortunately we would have to walk right by their table in order to exit- there was no way around it. So, after we paid we walked towards the door, I looked at her as we exited and simply said I hope you all had a nice lunch. She was frozen. Literally speechless.

Work has been really difficult lately. Emotionally more than the actual work load. After seven years in one place that you dedicate yourself to you expect a lot...maybe I am expecting too much......I guess at the very least I expected loyalty.  I emailed back and forth with a friend who is newly pregnant and she told me she lost the baby....this crushed me to think that just a few weeks ago I met with her and she was so excited...so thrilled to finally turn the fertility wagon around. So, you may be wondering what my friends ill dog, my frustration with work, my hurtful encounter with Whit's mother and my friends loss of a baby all have in common.....

I think it's my way of saying, yes, it's all in his plan...not ours. We have these great expectations of the way things should go and the way we should feel about them...when all of that really doesn't matter. We have to trust that God knows the plan and he knows what is best for us. I am saying a prayer for everyone in a limbo of frustration and hoping they also receive understanding of where they are and why they are there. God must think I stay confused because I am constantly asking him to make sense of what I don't understand. Ouch, let's hope for a better rest of the week.....

Eggplants?

23 ish weeks prego

I just read the ticker to the side where it says they are the size of eggplants....I believe it. Unfortunately, I do not have enough room in here for 3 eggplants so the sleeping has proved to be a bit difficult! Especially when baby C decides at 3 am that she is not exactly happy with her position!

Chris got married at the end of March and it was a blast. Fun to see them so happy and fun to see my hubby cut up and be himself...not in "Project" mode. We both needed it! They had this great photo booth and of course we took full advantage. I also drank my weight in this punch they had. I think Whit drank his weight in Bud Light.

The last few weeks have been huge for the Shepherds. We have been working on keeping a normal schedule while our lives are a bit turned upside down with construction.

the slab for the master add on

the framing

going really fast without any rain!

We are adding a master bedroom, bathroom, closet etc, and extending the living room. The babies will then take over our current bedroom which is really big and will share this until we feel they need their own space. The construction will make our house 3 bedroom, 3 bath with the option of placing a wall up in the larger room making it 4 bedroom 3 bath. We looked for a larger house in February and March and ultimately decided that we wanted to stay close to family with our new editions coming. We also decided this would increase the value of our home and we would have a better time making our home suit us rather than moving to something that didn't feel like home just for the size....

The four little dogs have been difficult. With no gate, they have all had to be leash walked, 3 and 4 times a day- this is hard. Cooper seems to think the workers are all there to get him- so we have had to really be patient with him. Last weekend we drove to Dripping Springs for a wedding and sweet Aunt Karen took Cooper for a much needed swim.

It was his first swim of the summer and I think he was thrilled. She said he chased the toy they threw for over 2 hours when she finally took him home because he looked exhausted. Lol, he didn't move for two days. Good for Coop, he needed to blow off some of that excess anxiety. Cooper will be heading to DogTopia soon for his summer shave. Grant and Karen will appreciate this since he clogs their pool drains. 
This past weekend was Easter. I can admit now that this was the first Easter in which I felt joyous, in about 5 years. It makes me sad when I think how long I was in the dark place of the baby making business. The preachers message was about being in a dark place and seeing that because he has risen- you don't have to be there. I knew that message well. I even heard a similar one while we were struggling. It took me rushing back to the pain I felt each holiday. Watching all the children ring the bells and in their cute little clothes....made me look around and wonder while I was watching my little ones kick my stomach- who was dying inside. I said a silent prayer for those hurting and prayed that God would put his hands on them for inner peace- even if it was just for the day. It's so hard to fake it when you are struggling.

Easter was also the day we promised friends and family that we would reveal our baby names. We went to church and then to Mema Pat's for lunch. We took balloons with their names in stickers to lunch and placed them on the buffet. They turned out super cute....SO HERE THEY ARE............................................

Gavin Riggs Shepherd, we will call him Riggs

Grant Becker Shepherd, we will call him Becker

Gianna Grace Shepherd, we will call her Gianna

 or Mema plans on calling her gg. She always wanted a gg, she begged them to name me Gretchen!

I also wanted to include my napkins from my shower in March...those girls over did everything! It was perfect!!!!! We missed sweet Julia, but bedrest for twins is a good excuse!

We hope everyone had a great Easter!

I have some pics of the crawfish boil this weekend...hope to get them posted asap!

Growing Like Weeds

On Wednesday we went to our specialist in Austin. The more they move, the more confident I am...so this was even more reassuring. He said they are measuring ahead of schedule and they weigh 1.5, 1.5 and our fat little girl is 1.6. She is still the bossy one taking up most of the room and totally spread out. The little boys are behaving a positioned so perfectly and of course she is sprawled out across one of the boys and has her arms resting on her head as if we are all putting her out.

Whit's poker buddies got together and loaded his truck bed with diapers! I couldn't believe it when he told me! People randomly drop pkgs of diapers off on our porch and I am so blown away by the amazing support of friends, family and neighbors.

This week has been hectic at the Shepherd house. Construction started last week and so has the walking of all five dogs on a leash. Cooper has decided that he is part pit and thinks he should aggressively hop towards the workers as I am trying to walk him on the leash. This looks completely ridiculous and is hard to manage. The other four dogs think it's time to play...."oh, so when we are on the leash, we play and act like idiots and then once back inside, that's when we pee???"  It's been hard, but we are managing and the construction is moving so quickly that I think we will survive......Lol this may change once they finish the concrete and frame work and actually take down the wall inside to add on....I will then officially be moved to Mema Pat's and the dogs...well they may go too. I have this fear that even though they are in the dog room- that someone will accidentally let them out. I could not promise my actions if that happened.

Tomorrow we leave for a friends wedding near Austin. This might be my last road trip ;) I am hopeful to get a girls night away in before bed rest but time is running out. It's weird, I don't feel like I can't go on, I actually feel really good....I just feel totally wiped out by 2pm. It's strange how fast this has happened. One day I was totally fine, the next I needed help from Whit just to put lotion on my legs! Lol, my take charge personality is not a mix with being prego. Whit keeps saying we are going to make it to 36 weeks LOL omg, I cannot imagine! Funny thing....exactly 36 weeks is our anniversary :)

I hope to upload some more ultrasound pics and some construction pics soon. Can I blog and upload pics from my phone? I have an iphone and when I send the pics to my computer it's a hassle to convert and upload.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Oh, the blog will be getting a face lift in the next week or two :)