I remember when I would think about motherhood I would see perfectly smiling faces, clean hands, them cuddling with me almost every weekend and very little change in my already flexible schedule. That was a dream I had for over five years. When we found out we were having triplets a few things in that above description changed a little but not a lot. I envisioned whit and I embracing parenthood and the transition being easy. I saw us pushing a triplet stroller and it being so "neat".
So fast forward to my third Mother's Day and I can tell you that all of that was very very different. Different because there were three beautiful babies born into our care. Three perfect souls that we were in charge of. Different because we had no idea that they would need so much. We had no clue how hard raising three would be. Different because some postpartum washed over me and I didn't have time to recognize it. Different because we prayed for them day in and day out and then we had them and had no idea what God had entrusted us with. Or why.
We were in the NICU for my first Mother's Day. You couldn't have wiped the smile off of my face. They were in our grip but still not ours. They were sick and we prayed them well. It was touch and go and I closed everyone on the outside- out. I felt like no one I knew, knew the pain we were in- no way. We could be coming home with fewer babies than we went to the hospital with. I felt robbed of those last three months of being pregnant. I felt sad and happy at the same time and I couldn't recreate that emotion here if I tried.
Then they came home. The joy. Mema pat held my girl and it was that moment. That very moment that I dreamed about in the years before that moment. Sleep came in waves. Our house isn't big so as they grew older they woke each other up. The seasons felt like burst of successes. We would celebrate Christmas and it felt like slow motion. Valentines would come and it felt like they were almost a year. I felt like I was walking really fast in a room that was spinning. Then they turned a year and I couldn't believe we had made it. But we had.
When people say " I don't know how you do it" I usually respond with my canned " oh we just do" but to be honest I don't know how we did either. I mean not in the sense that we wouldn't but more in the sense of, that was really hard and being a momma to three, all the same age is hard. Loading the car takes effort to just go somewhere simple. Simple trips out of town, aren't simple. I don't really notice this except when I see other moms with one or more kids all different ages. Not saying that's any easier- just different. Momma-ing is hard.
So, I have sticky faces and hands. We don't cuddle as often as i would like and most of the time one is always crying for something. I lose my temper, I cry because I'm exhausted, I cry because I've told them to stay in their beds 116 times in the last 4 days. It's hard and it's messy. But then I catch a few glimses of our weekend on my phone and I melt because I wanted this life. I wanted perfectly washed hands and faces but I never thought of the process. The one were we get them dirty so we can wash them clean. And all the memories we make in that time between the two.
Being a mom is and isn't what I thought it would be. It is the most unselfish act I have ever performed. I give them all of me and then I give them more. I would give them everything. I will give them everything. I love this spinning room. I feel challenged by His grace and challenged by His will for me to raise triplets. I used to joke that He really listened to our prayers but now I know He wanted this for me. He waited. He needed me to draw closer to Him and to be so far down before I could crawl to His feet and receive His gifts. I just asked for a baby. He made me a mother to three. I always think about this verse in a very literal way. I think about the miracle of my three daily. We were given 1% of conceiving- it was all His plans for me.
Psalm 139:13 You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb
I used to despise Mother's Day. I couldn't go to church. I couldn't go to lunch. I avoided target the entire weekend. It was painful. My mother died three years ago and this made it even more painful. What was I celebrating?
And nothing I can say here can soften that pain for any readers who aren't mothers today, who desire to be. But I can say, I was there and His plans for you, will be revealed. His plans for you are bigger than your own. His plans for you are far better than your own- even if you can't see them yet.
I couldn't see those plans and now my life is spinning with a joy I can't control. I'm good at this. Now there is a joy-He has given to me. A joy of being a momma to triplets. %1 chance. 100% joy, even on the sticky days.
I hope this weekend you will focus more on His plans for you. Whatever that looks like. Maybe you are a mom and feeling good about where you are, maybe you aren't and your praying for a baby or maybe you are like me and need a daily refresher that you are on the right path and He would never give you anything more or less than His perfect plan.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. We can laugh. Life is sticky. It's spinning and sticky. If you would have told me this Mother's Day I would be celebrating three years of being a momma to triplets I would have laughed and cried. And tomorrow we celebrate their birthday with a fiesta. I can't wait for the sticky. Happy weekend friends. Ole! |
