Red White Blue

I've noticed lately that Riggs is heavy. He feels solid and his body is changing from this squishy little toddler to a solid little boy. My friends are having their second and third children and I'm desperately trying to hold on to every stage that mine are racing through.  Sometimes the stages are hard and sometimes they are like a beach trip that you wished wouldn't end. Lately the things they say are hilarious and most days I go to bed trying to remember the funny things they string together that barely make sense. They make me laugh without making complete thoughts. Sometime after working all day I don't understand what they are saying but after a weekend with them it's like we speak the same language again. 

Long weekends make me want to run wild. Wild and adventurous is what I want them to remember about me. I want them to remember a level of spontaneity- which is a stretch for me. I want them to remember doing hard things that made us reach a little harder. Of course I like the easy planned weekends but the holiday weekends-that we stretched bed time for 10pm fireworks and drive to Austin for a jam packed Sunday- complete with swing music and a patio sipping a lemonade cocktail and them vanilla gelato- those are the ones I want them to tell their spouses about when they are 36. I got to see my friends love on my kids and I got to squeeze their littles too this weekend which made it perfect. 

I want their breath to be taken away in ten years when they step back into a fresh spring fed pool because they remember that day their mom and dad woke up and said "let's road trip today. "

This fourth was traditional and untraditional all in the same way. We enjoyed an eggs Benedict brunch with friends, a neighborhood parade with songs and great people and very special neighbors, pool time with fresh strawberry margaritas, BBQ and a neon stick filled golf course and a late night fire works show. It was their first. And while they may only be three years old- they could each recal what their favorite part of the day was as we tucked them in to their beds well after 11pm.

This weekend felt special and at the same time slow motion. I used to say that thanksgiving was my favorite holiday and then it became fourth of July in recent years and now I've just decided that since we got that little plus sign three plus years ago- it's the hope that comes with all holidays that gets me. I like the joy that holidays fill us up with. It's like the celebrations fill our cups with joy until the next holiday. I'm thirsty for joy. I hope my kids feel fulfilled.

The fourth was the holy grail when I was little. My dad would buy thousands of dollars of fireworks and we would take the barge out by noon and drive it in around midnight. It seems like centuries ago. Now, the safety neurotic self that I've become, I would fold under the sheer planning of an all day lake venture with the trips. How did my dad do it all with such grace and ease? He made it look so easy. 

So last year I started a brunch, everyone is invited, whoever is in town. It's our own tradition and it has developed into this kid filled, mimosa bar having, America the beautiful song singing morning of flag waving good. 

I love holidays in general. A reason to celebrate big. But there's just something special about anything red white and blue. 

Hope your holiday was perfect. Happy July! 

Sweet Summer

 CATCH UP POSTS//because life is crazy I sometimes write and never post. Then new events happen, weeks fly by and then the posts are dated//Sorry// Catch up below//


Around 18 months I was emailing and calling all my triplet momma friends. My kids had become stage 5 clingers and no matter what setting we were in- they wanted me and they wanted to be held. There could have been 66 kids begging them to play with new shiny toys and 103 blinking light games and they would still be crying at my feet to be held. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I had done something wrong to literally enable them to play in groups or to play alone quietly. It was strange. But after talking to others, it sounded normal. One mom said, "you will miss the clingers." I thought no way, anything is better than this. That's about the time we made it a point to jump feet first into play groups and added a day of mother's day out to our routine.

So at the end of this month the clingers, will be three. The boys rarely ask to be held( Gigi will ask to be held when she is 10 I'm convinced) and always ask for your hand. We were walking into school the other day and alissa and I stared at one another noting that EVERYONE was walking and no one was even asking to be held. Miracle. Last night at bed Gianna crawled up into her bed and when she put out her hand I noticed that her wrist was still chubby like a baby. You know, that little fat part that makes a crease in their wrist? My heart has been heavy with this toddler stage as it moves farther from "toddling" and more into "kid". No more babies for us and no more wrist chubby. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I marvel over all the pregnant women in our lives and how they juggle a baby on the hip, a four year old running around and a two year old they are trying to wrangle..... I love that balance. And while ours is very very different, I love our balance. I love that while we may have everyone going in three different directions- we are all moving at the same speed. Everyday is new. Everyday is different. And while my twin mommas can "identify" with me- the third baby(kid) is definitely the one that throws this train off rail :) I bet my quad momma friends are laughing at my post.

I feel like summer brings on a lot of celebration at our house. First of all, my spring event is OVER, Easter has been celebrated in a big way, mother's day has been celebrated(my heart might have exploded), Father's day was big,  the summer beach vacation has been booked, swimming lessons are complete, Whit and I are planning a mini vacation for our 10th anniversary and we celebrated the most important birthday in our lives…the shep trips. May 27th, yep, it was a game changer. While my BFF will tell you that was NOT the delivery day I had in mind, it was their day nonetheless. It was a day filled with fear and joy and I am certain there will never be another day like it. Mostly fear. It was the day we became parents and the day our hearts officially started beating and living outside of our chests. Some may come close but none will match it, ever. The three amigos turned three.

I hope you too are coasting into summer. I hope you plan a trip with your kids, your husband or your girlfriends. I hope that if you found my blog because you have also struggled for babies or are struggling for babies, that this summer you continue on the path of hope and find JOY in the everyday of this season. I have some summer(maybe fall) plans for my blog. I would like to add some resource pages giving extra support and additional information on how we got from point a to point b in our baby journey. I have been drawn to helping others on this path and have found joy in pouring into their lives. I think its so funny how our lives are so "connect the dots". I am certain God gave me this infertility voice to speak His word over friends and friends of friends. He proves times and time again that He will not leave us and He will see his plan through. I also plan on adding a multiples resource page to help multiple mommas gain a grasp of what it looks like to momma more than one at the same stage. stay tuned…..

Happy Summer friends, it's here……..

Being a mommy is sticky

I remember when I would think about motherhood I would see perfectly smiling faces, clean hands, them cuddling with me almost every weekend and very little change in my already flexible schedule. That was a dream I had for over five years. When we found out we were having triplets a few things in that above description changed a little but not a lot. I envisioned whit and I embracing parenthood and the transition being easy. I saw us pushing a triplet stroller and it being so "neat".  

So fast forward to my third Mother's Day and I can tell you that all of that was very very different. Different because there were three beautiful babies born into our care. Three perfect souls that we were in charge of. Different because we had no idea that they would need so much. We had no clue how hard raising three would be. Different because some postpartum  washed over me and I didn't have time to recognize it. Different because we prayed for them day in and day out and then we had them and had no idea what God had entrusted us with. Or why.

We were in the NICU for my first Mother's Day. You couldn't have wiped the smile off of my face. They were in our grip but still not ours. They were sick and we prayed them well. It was touch and go and I closed everyone on the outside- out. I felt like no one I knew, knew the pain we were in- no way. We could be coming home with fewer babies than we went to the hospital with. I felt robbed of those last three months of being pregnant. I felt sad and happy at the same time and I couldn't recreate that emotion here if I tried.

Then they came home. The joy. Mema pat held my girl and it was that moment. That very moment that I dreamed about in the years before that moment. Sleep came in waves. Our house isn't big so as they grew older they woke each other up. The seasons felt like burst of successes. We would celebrate Christmas and it felt like slow motion. Valentines would come and it felt like they were almost a year. I felt like I was walking really fast in a room that was spinning. Then they turned a year and I couldn't believe we had made it. But we had. 

When people say " I don't know how you do it" I usually respond with my canned " oh we just do" but to be honest I don't know how we did either. I mean not in the sense that we wouldn't but more in the sense of, that was really hard and being a momma to three, all the same age is hard. Loading the car takes effort to just go somewhere simple. Simple trips out of town, aren't simple.  I don't really notice this except when I see other moms with one or more kids all different ages. Not saying that's any easier- just different. Momma-ing is hard. 

So, I have sticky faces and hands. We don't cuddle as often as i would like and most of the time one is always crying for something. I lose my temper, I cry because I'm exhausted, I cry because I've told them to stay in their beds 116 times in the last 4 days. It's hard and it's messy. But then I catch a few glimses of our weekend on my phone and I melt because I wanted this life. I wanted perfectly washed hands and faces but I never thought of the process. The one were we get them dirty so we can wash them clean. And all the memories we make in that time between the two.

Being a mom is and isn't what I thought it would be. It is the most unselfish act I have ever performed. I give them all of me and then I give them more. I would give them everything. I will give them everything. I love this spinning room. I feel challenged by His grace and challenged by His will for me to raise triplets. I used to joke that He really listened to our prayers but now I know He wanted this for me. He waited. He needed me to draw closer to Him and to be so far down before I could crawl to His feet and receive His gifts. I just asked for a baby. He made me a mother to three. I always think about this verse in a very literal way. I think about the miracle of my three daily. We were given 1% of conceiving- it was all His plans for me. 

 Psalm 139:13 You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb

I used to despise Mother's Day. I couldn't go to church. I couldn't go to lunch. I avoided target the entire weekend. It was painful. My mother died three years ago and this made it even more painful. What was I celebrating? 

 And nothing I can say here can soften that pain for any readers who aren't mothers today, who desire to be. But I can say, I was there and His plans for you, will be revealed. His plans for you are bigger than your own. His plans for you are far better than your own- even if you can't see them yet.

I couldn't see those plans and now my life is spinning with a joy I can't control. I'm good at this. Now there is a joy-He has given to me. A joy of being a momma to triplets. %1 chance. 100% joy, even on the sticky days. 

I hope this weekend you will focus more on His plans for you. Whatever that looks like. Maybe you are a mom and feeling good about where you are, maybe you aren't and your praying for a baby or maybe you are like me and need a daily refresher that you are on the right path and He would never give you anything more or less than His perfect plan. 

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. We can laugh. Life is sticky. It's spinning and sticky. If you would have told me this Mother's Day I would be celebrating three years of being a momma to triplets I would have laughed and cried. And tomorrow we celebrate their birthday with a fiesta. I can't wait for the sticky.  Happy weekend friends. Ole!

Firsts and Lasts(maybe)

Well it's the end of April and I'm finally feeling like I'm crawling out from under the rock of my event. The air is warm, the birds are chirping and I've spent a lot more time with my kids than in past months. 

This weekend we traveled to college station where we supported the director in that division, execute her event. I can't believe this as I type it- but we have never stayed in a hotel with the triplets. I don't know why really. Maybe because our schedules have allowed us both to travel for business alone? Maybe we just haven't "wanted" to subject ourselves to such chaos? Maybe the task has just seemed overwhelming so we work around any overnight stays. I don't know why we never did it, but we have now. 

I packed car snacks and new movies for entertainment. You would have thought we were going 900 miles, not 90. I asked alissa to pack their bags Friday while I was at work. She laughed at me when I said 5 pairs of underwear/panties each even though it was one night and they are potty trained. Don't laugh. If it was going to happen- I was going to be prepared. 

We ate dinner, met one of our favorite aggies for frozen yogurt and were prepped for bed around 9:30pm. 

We were piled in beds, clobbered by toddlers but by 10pm everyone was asleep. I had 11 inches of the bed but I could hear them snoring and it was magical. We've never had kids in our bed unless they were sick, so this was a treat. 

I teased gg about sleeping in the hotel room alone and that was a huge mistake. I scared her :( into thinking I would leave. We put on new hello kitty and cars socks(hotel socks) and then they got with the program. They figured out quickly that this was indeed a treat. 

So the lights went out and the next morning Becker got up at 6am- two hours earlier than his usual wake up time. Not fun. We headed to grab breakfast then to the event. 

The Aggie cadets raised over 113,000 for babies and our hearts were full.

Tired from just 24 hours we did very little the rest of the weekend, except plan for their birthday party.

I can't believe they turn three next month. The three amigos turn three. I really do feel like it was yesterday that I was on my knees praying that God not take sweet Becker. Feels like just a few months ago Riggs took his first "Frankenstein" steps. 

Another backyard party we will have. Today I was thinking that one day (like next year) they will be vocal about where and what their party will be. I keep worrying that the day they want a jump party or a chuckee cheese party is on the horizon. :/ I love the simplicity of at home parties and opening our world to our friends and family. I like the business the weeks before bring. Art work decorated walls, a homemade cake, a pictorial video of their year. They won't want that soon. They will want to celebrate by taking their friends by the hand and leading them around at their party. They will want boy and girl themed parties with very little input from me. Ouch. 

But this year. It's a fiesta. This year it's at our home. This year they will still want me to hold them while they blow out their candles. This year it's a backyard party and I will celebrate one more year that He gave them to me. That's what birthday parties are for right?

Happy week everyone. 

A girl.

When they told us we were pregnant back in 2010 it confirmed what I doubted all those years. It even confirmed what I had doubted over the previous 48 hours. The only thing I could think of was, "is this real?" "Are they sure!" So when they told us it was twins, that was it, you could have just closed this book, I was happy for a lifetime. But when they said,"we see a third." That was a game changer. 

I've said on this blog before that while we always wanted three babies- our plan was to have them like everyone else does, one at a time. The quality of our embryos were not great. In fact the third one was dying and not freezable. So when we were finally told at 10 weeks that it was in fact triplets I of course started having thoughts like, " whew, ok, we're pregnant and while I don't feel out of the woods and I don't really want to celebrate- "but honey, do you think there's a girl in there? "

I'm a little embarrased to admit it but I was one of those girls that said the whole, " oh we don't care, as long as their healthy!" But to be honest, I secretly wanted one girl. Yes I wanted the whole dress my girl up stage, the mother of the bride stage, the best friend stage- but deep down I knew this would probably be the only time I was pregnant and this shot was my only one. 

So on week 12, we went for our bi-weekly specialist appointment. When the tech came in and did the ultrasound I almost couldn't take the suspense. I had a gut the night before and told whit on a whim that it was "two boys and a girl." I've never been right about anything in my life so I didn't put too much weight in that.

The tech said well baby A is a boy. She then worked pretty hard to see B.  Keep in mind that all this mashing on my stomach has almost made me hurl. I was pretty much surviving on watermelon and grapefruit juice and the morning sickness was more like all day sickness. She finally worked her way to baby C and we were about to explode out of the room when she said, "well!!, it's a girl!" 

There are two times in my life that I thought I would cry and didn't. This was one of them. The other was my wedding day. Both days I was so elated with joy that I had this ridiculous smile plastered across my face. The one where one of those pageant girls is riding in the back of a mustang convertible at a parade doing that fake wave. That was me. Iremember texting my close friends and family the iPhone emoticons of two boys and a princess. I remember yelling " I told you!" to whit, like he had ever disagreed with me. 

So there it was. We were having triplets, and one was a girl. And grace would be a part of her name. 

 I'm writing this tonight because lately that girl has been my hard one. She works herself up during the bedtime  routine and it's so hard on this momma. She likes to ask for 1,021 things to avoid bedtime and guess who trots around the house trying to please her every command? Yep. Me. 

The boys are perfect at bed and ask for nothing other than a prayer or a back tickle. She has trained me to put sticker earrings on her, perfectly place 5 blankets on her, pat her, get all of her ponies in the crib, pray over her and tell her what's for breakfast and sing about 6 songs and tell her about every charm on my necklace. It's a circus and I'm the lead act. 

She's sensitive, she's caring, she notices things I wouldn't guess an almost three year old would. She's kind, smart, strong and beautiful. And with all that chaos at bedtime I'm working on some solutions but tonight- I'm not all that worried about it- I'm just thankful for that one girl. 

I remember

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant. I remember the day we found out it was twins. I remember the day they told us there were three. I remember the day the doctors told us we would be delivering these three tiny babies 11 weeks too soon. I remember the night the neonatologist came in our room and told us how sick our babies were. I remember the way the nurses looked at me when I came in with warm brownies only to be told Becker was in real trouble. I remember when they told me his numbers weren't improving. I remember the phone ringing at 2:33 am and the neonatologist on the other end of the phone telling me to come to the hospital that Gianna was really sick. I remember rocking those babies begging God not to take them from me. Not then, not ever. 

I remember bringing them home and feeling like we had beat all the odds. I remember carrying bags that had heart monitors attached to my babies. I remember the alarms on the bags going off, just when we relaxed, to remind us that "nothing" was certain. I remember hand washing being crucial to a visit in our house. I remember my friends being afraid to hold my tiny babies. 

I remember finding out the role the march of dimes played in their lives- completely behind the scenes. I remember when my job came up and the opportunity it afforded me to tell my story. I remember how I felt the first time I visited the NICU after taking this job. Knowing exactly want these families needed and the common thread we shared. 

I remember what our first year of having a family team meant to me and how raising money for a cause that changed our path, changed our story- could change me. 

I hope you will join us in marching to help all babies. The ones born too soon, the ones born with a heart defect, the ones born right on time and perfectly healthy- MOD is touching all babies. Let's give them a healthy start. 

Happy Wednesday friends. 

"Where's Cooper Mommy?"

Gg came into our room last night when we were getting ready to go on our date night. She grinned at me and said, "mommy, where's cooper?" Before I could answer she said, " he's sick, he's with Jesus." I was glad she answered for me because I wasn't sure how to answer. I laughed a little because the sting wasn't so bad coming from her sweet self. I immediately asked alissa if she told her that and alissa smiled and said yes. I liked that when gg told me, she was so confident that Jesus had Cooper.

This week has been weird. In the middle of the night I'm not carefully stepping over a sleeping dog, we are not up and down 15+ times letting him out to potty and I'm not awakened by him snoring. When I get out of the shower, he isn't tap dancing on the concrete floors in the bathroom and he isn't waiting for me to leave the shower door open so he can drink the water. It's been sad. Lonely.

Whit keeps confirming that we did the right thing and that he went so peacefully because he was beyond ready- but I of course struggle with the balance of a full life and the responsibility of ending one. 

Ouch. 

When they put him to sleep, we were in the room. He put his head in my hands and I rubbed his ears. We cried as he drifted off. I was reminded of those days in my mid twenties when we got him. We weren't married. We barely had stable jobs and we were already taking on more than we could handle. Cooper was our second dog and we felt Colby needed a playmate. We were determined and committed to the life of these dogs. I'm proud that his life was a full one.

He was a super friendly puppy but as he got older we were certain that something went wrong. We speculated that a utility worker or a neighbor in our old neighborhood hit him or was mean to him in some way. He quickly became introverted, shy and growled at strangers. He never bit anyone but was scary if approached. Whit struggled with this. He took him everywhere in hopes to pull him out of this. Cooper never really came around. He was scared of strangers and we joked that he had amnesia because just when you thought he knew you- he would forget and bark and growl.

Cooper was a very, very smart Lab. He would swim for hours without a break. He would pull you to the side if you pretended you were drowning. He was faithful, he was loving and he really was man's best friend. 

The last few years were tough. He was in pain due to severe arthritis. He was grumpy because, well, he was fourteen. He had accidents often and couldn't decide if he wanted to be inside or out. We waited too long. That's my fault. I selfishly wanted him to, stay. 

I think gg is right. He's with Jesus. Why do I miss all the things I found so annoying, just last week? 

I've decided that as we get older the desire to get more pets lessens with the more responsibilities we have. Kids demand our attention and with work and life- there is little left over. But this week I've decided it's less about that and more about the fact that there are pets in your life that can't be replaced.

Have a good spring break everyone.